Rabbit Suicide...

While cute and fun to have as pets, rabbits, too, get depressed. It's important to know what the signs of rabbit depression are so that incidents like the one portrayed in the above picture can be avoided.
There have been many documented cases of rabbit suicide. In fact, suicide is the second leading cause of death amongst rabbits, next to being low on the food chain.
The following story is true. Names have been changed to protect the innocent:
When I was about 14 we bought a cute black rabbit as a pet. At first it was fun. We'd take her out of her 2 foot by 2 foot cage and let her roam free in the back yard. I spent countless hours watching our beagle chase her around the yard, desperately trying to latch her jaws around the rabbits neck and shake it until it was lifeless. It was wonderful!
After a couple of months, I lost interest in the rabbit. Weeks would pass and I would forget we even owned a rabbit. We kept her locked up tightly in her cage in the garage, right next to the trash can. We would take her out every few months and put her in a cardboard box while we cleaned her cage, then we would throw her back in the cage and forget about her.
Years passed, and one day I went out to the garage to dispose of some refuse. I noticed my rabbit (I think her name was "Rabbit," if I recall correctly) sitting in her cage. She looked depressed. Not wanting to clean her cage, and getting tired of the constant burden of feeding her every few weeks, I decided I would do the right thing and take her up to the mountains and set her free.
I put her cage in my car, rolled down my windows because she smelled like shit and drove to the foothills near my home. I scouted out a good location, one that looked like a place where a rabbit would be happy and free to roam the hillside, and took her out of my car. I opened her cage and set it on the ground so she could scamper off into the wild and be free. To my surprise, she didn't move at all. She just sat in her cage sniffing around at the new, unfamiliar surroundings. I waited for about 5 minutes for her to hop out of the cage, then my patience ran thin so I tipped the cage up and dumped her onto the ground. She landed face-first on the dirt, struggled to get on all 4's, then just sat there not moving a muscle. Apparently, all those years of not having to work for her food and being pampered had made her lazy, and she had forgotten how to move. I waited for about 5 more minutes for her to move, then I said "to hell with it" and got in my car and drove home to watch American Idol. It was the season with Carrie Underwood. She had received quite a harsh review from Simon (a.k.a.: British douchebag) the week prior and I was interested to see how she would follow such a discouraging week and how short a skirt she would be wearing to get extra votes from the viewers.
The next morning I awoke. For some reason, my thoughts drifted to my newly-freed rabbit. I wondered how she was faring with her new-found freedom and decided to take a drive to where I left her in the mountains and see if I could spot her scampering around. I drove up to the spot where I had let her go the previous night and, to my surprise, she was still sitting in the exact spot where I had dumped her! I got out of my car, disgusted by her laziness, and I walked up to her and gave her a little kick to get her ass moving. She stumbled forward a couple of steps, then just sat there as she had the night before, sniffing the air. Frankly, at this point I was happy to be rid of her. I was overcome with anger and the feeling that I had been used. Who knows how many minutes I wasted over the years bringing her out my table scraps and cleaning her cage. Seeing her sitting there unwilling to even move made me furious! I remember thinking "I bet this bitch thinks I'm here to spoon-feed her some carrots or lettuce or something." Not this time, Rabbit.
(Lazy Bitch)I jumped back in my car and sped off, frustrated and asking myself how I could have been so naive as to let a rabbit turn me into her personal slave for so many years.
I checked back on her in the following weeks, and each time I did, there she sat, motionless and wallowing in her own filth. As the weeks went on I noticed she began to get skinnier and looked malnourished. Not about to fall victim to her mind games again, a standoff ensued. Each time I visited I knew she was thinking that I would cave and come rushing to her with my arms full of cabbage heads and a bucket of water, begging her forgiveness. Unbeknown to her, I had resolved that I would never be anyone's manservant again, animal or human, and I was willing to watch her die a slow death, which I did over the course of the next few days.
The rabbit in this story would have undoubtedly committed suicide if given the opportunity. Despite the lavish life of a suburban house bunny and all of the luxury which that lifestyle affords, the rabbit seemed to have suffered from depression. The tell-tale signs of rabbit depression were present:

• Laziness
• Sedentary Lifestyle
• Lack of foraging to sustain life
• Defiance
• Assholery towards caregivers
• Etc.

If you fear your rabbit is suffering from depression, or if you notice any signs that would indicate suicidal behavior, please don't hesitate to act. Give your rabbit this link:
http://www.rabbitshavefeelingstoogoddammit.com/suicide_prevention/language=rabbit/dontkillyourself.html

Life Imitating Art...

On a recent trip to the Gateway Mall in SLC my wife, her brother and I stopped at a restaurant to eat, before our meal began i excused myself to visit the restroom where i kid you not a lived this moment...

God Sprinkles in a few Jerks

In my opinion, he sprinkled in a few too many.

The 2 Classes: A Study of Human Behavior

Human behavior is a subject I find very interesting. I often wonder what makes people act the way they do in certain scenarios, and if behavior is something that is relative to the locale where the behavior occurs or if it is consistent in any setting. Sure, there are things that influence human behavior in every situation we find ourselves in, but I theorize that there are 2 main behavior classes: Assholes and Non-Assholes.
I made an observation the other day that provided strong evidence for my theory of the 2 main behavior classes while waiting in line at the pharmacy in Costco.First, let me say that if you're interested in studying human behavior or just "people watching," there's no better bailiwick than Costco. You'll find enough fodder inside any Costco on any day of the week at any time of day to feed your growing disdain for society until the end of time. There's something about whipping out that membership card and crossing the "members only" threshold that turns most normal people into tunnel-visioned assholes, oblivious to everyone else in the world.(Give her the evil-eye all you want, pal. She has no clue you even exist.)This generalization doesn't apply to everyone inside Costco, just MOST everyone, which brings me back to my theory about the 2 behavior classes.
So I go to Costo to fill a prescription, which I have done several times before. On this particular day the pharmacy was unusually busy. After dropping the prescription off I did the normal wait-for-the-prescription stroll through Costco, looking at shit I didn't need but wanted. After 15 minutes I returned to the pharmacy to pick up my prescription. Normally, this takes about 5 minutes, but this day there was a jumbled mess of people waiting in front of the counter for their prescriptions.(I shit you not, it looked like this.)With no definite line formed, I took my place amongst the mess of people, taking a mental note of who was in front of me as to avoid being a douchebag and cutting in front of someone who had been waiting longer than I had. I assumed this was standard protocol in this type of situation and that everyone around me had done the same thing. I was wrong.
After about 20 minutes of standing in the waiting pool of people I was nearing the front of the "line" and was next up to get my drugs. At this moment I encountered the situation we all hate. An annoying woman who had been yapping on her cell phone the whole time she had been waiting suddenly steps up right next to me as if she was under the impression her fat ass was next. Because I was having a good day, I decided to brush it off and let her inconsiderate ass get her prescription before I got mine. By the looks of it, she was probably picking up her Prozac and I felt like she needed that more than I needed my drugs. I knew that she knew damn well what she was doing, so confronting her would most likely end in disaster. I let her go and waited for the next available cashier to call me up.
After a minute or two I hear one of the cashiers say "Next," so I move towards the yellow "do not cross" line to proceed to her register. Just then, another bitch-of-a-woman tries to pull a sneak attack and literally steps right in front of me to go to the cashier. By this time my patience has expired and in the most polite voice I could muster I said "Excuse me? I was next in line." I can't say I was surprised when she turned and looked at me with a look of disbelief on her face. It was a look that said "But I'm a woman. It's only proper to let me go first." Normally I'd let chivalry prevail and step aside for a woman, but I don't believe in rewarding childish behavior so I answered with a look that said "Fuck you. I know what you're trying to do you childish bitch. Get behind me." I got my prescription, then as I was walking past her to leave I gave her a grin as to say "I win, bitch."
This long explanation illustrates perfectly the first behavior class: Asshole. These two women both fall into the Asshole class. One could argue that I too fall into that class for not letting the woman go first, but when examining the paradigm as a whole, it becomes clear that my behavior was reactionary, not instinctive, thus disproving the argument that I am an asshole.
Then, as I was leaving with my prescription, I had to jump through Costco's despotic hoop and wait in line to leave so someone could arbitrarily draw a squiggle on my receipt with a sharpie. It was here that I encountered someone from the Non-Asshole behavior class. Again, I encountered the situation where I came to the front of the line and was right next to someone, only this time the Non-Asshole simply smiled at me and said "Go ahead." It's sad to say, but that small gesture was quite comforting and restored a sliver of my faith in humanity. It's sad because something that should be considered mundane, like being polite, was surprising and unexpected.
As I got to my car, my thoughts turned inward and I reflected on my own behavior and on whether I am of the Asshole class or the Non-Asshole class.

I'll save my conclusion for another day.

When I grow up…

Walking out of the theater today having just watched the latest Harry Potter movie for a second time I failed to notice the paradoxical nature of our conversation as it drifted toward the impending birth of my second child. I find myself often asking the question “when exactly did I grow up”? My wife solves this question by reminding me that I probably haven’t…

http://www.xkcd.com/